I Can Breathe so I Can Speak

When I was a little girl I saw the movie Malcom X. I use to walk around saying my name is Shannon X. That movie of his life at a young age sparked somethings on the inside of me. I was notorious for sticking up for people when I saw them being mistreated. I especially had a heart for people who were left out, mishandled and sad. Martin Luther King Jr was cool but I discovered I was very radical and vocal. I bit my tongue for nothing and no one. I guess this is why it’s important to never try and forget because your past points to who your supposed to be in the future.

Growing up life was hard. Not in the sense my mother was bad off because she wasn’t. My mother, although a single mother, was beyond blessed. I had nice clothes, a roof over my head, and etc. It was the secrets that I couldn’t tell that made it hard. It was the rejection that made it hard. Being misunderstood and not understanding why you and the little you have wasn’t enough that made it hard. The one person I thought I could count on even started to fade away out of my life and that took my entire breath away. I went from soft and a lover to the executioner and I was in no way silent about it.

Isn’t it funny that the thing that God wants to use in you is the very thing that almost cost you in every area of your life? It’s like your gift or talent is on steroids and injected with all types of poison to make it deadly and not such a nice thing to possess. Well my mouth and hands were just that, and being all the way a buck (100) about it, every now and again it still is. My mouth can be something vicious if you cross me and I had so much anger so my hands became my weapons against injustice I felt towards myself. The loving heart, words of encouragement, hands to hold and bring people in for an embrace to know that they weren’t alone , and tender touches turned to rock solid weapons and my heart became cold as ice. I had enough of being hurt with words that tore me down but touched by hands that conflicted with what was spoke . People will twist your intentions, words, and actions to fit their narrative that suits them and I was tired of it!! I was enraged and I purposed in my heart that I would never let another person do that to me. So I did what most do, I played the game the way I felt kept me safe. In order to catch a wolf you have to be a wolf and I was a savage one. What I didn’t know was that if you don’t fix what’s broken it will forever hurt and at some point all that you suppress will eventually bubble up in opposition to it because who you really are is dying to be free.

Freedom, being free, no chains and all that sounds good. How do you get there when all you know is remaining behind the bars of your mind and feelings kept under guarded gates and heavy artillery ready to fire at any and everything because you can’t trust a soul? I went to church as a kid and let me be honest I didn’t respect a soul I saw for real. They gossiped, I knew about the church drama, and I could “feel” somethings that scared me and didn’t sit well with me. I would show up high as a kite sometimes. I heard what they sang about, I heard the sermon but I didn’t see it being enacted in my dealings after everyone said amen and church was over. Besides they couldn’t see me and if they did, it was gossiped about I’m sure. I can say my aunt made sure if I couldn’t go anywhere her door was open. I needed more and I was searching for something deeper you know? I became silent and mute. My love disappeared and I learned to survive through the day, that is until I met my first born father.

Hindsight is truly 20/20. I look back and if I’m honest there are somethings I could share (and I will in another blog one day) that now I know what it means that God Never leaves us and that what he said, he shall complete. Don’t get me wrong I’m still outspoken to a point. In this season I’m learning my voice and how to properly use it without suffocating who I am and what I feel. I really never stopped loving justice or wanting to look after the wounded I just became guarded. I have found that the very thing that the enemy will encourage us to do is focus on the trauma, the pain, what they did or didn’t do because if you rehearse it long enough then everyone is suspect and you will eventually find yourself cutting people who didn’t even deserve to be cut. If we never heal from what hurt us then the enemy wins. I always say similar cadences doesn’t give the same exact sound. It is similar but not exact. All my trauma and drama happened when I was young and it’s not a shocker.Satan wanted Christ killed when he was an infant and tried through King Herod because he knew who Christ was and what he was to become. We are no different. So at 32 I have decided that I will speak up and never allow losing people, not fitting in, be misunderstood, my words being misconstrued to stop me from speaking up and out. I choose to love and hard. I am free to embrace the untouchable without fear and spread hope and share my journey. The truth is I need them as much as they need me. United we stand divided we fall. ❤️

Never Will I Ever

“Never will I ever again allow for THIS to happen to me again!!” To know me is to know that this is one of my many convictions I stand on whenever something comes to shake my world up, and the funny thing is I don’t go back on that. If I say it please believe I mean it with my entire being. Whew chile… but there’s always that thing that changes its scent , it’s face, even some mannerisms but the essence of it is the very thing that caused you to purpose in Your heart and mind never to go back. When this occurs , which is not often, I have to retreat and regroup.

I thought that if I did everything the right way surely I wouldn’t end up here again. One of the many thoughts circulating through my mind and then the subtle reminder that I slipped up again stabbed me in my chest. How did I end up here? Feelings of conviction , disappointment, disgust , shame, and fear set in. Now I’ve never been afraid of people but God is another story. A heaviness that I can’t bear to carry and that brings me to my knees sets in when I realize I have done something displeasing to God and it is especially bad when I went against a promise I made, and this time was no different.

I FAILED!!! Am I really who God said that I was or maybe I heard wrong. Thoughts of condemnation swimming about in my entire being, this time is different. There’s no one to blame but me because I knew what I heard, I knew what I saw , and yet I still continued on because I knew what I felt and didn’t want that to be true. I gave in when I should have walked out. But when your face to face with the “thing your enjoying” and it feels right but your spirit disagrees the tendency to mute what you feel in your spirit tends to be muzzled by what your flesh feels. A moment of weakness can cost you your peace. So here I am finding myself say once again…. Never Again!!!

After the agonizing, the confessing, the tears, and the realization that that experience was truly a waste and not worth the fight and the struggle is a good place to be in. You see the enemy had me on my knees because I gave him legal access to me. He may have won that but what he won’t get is my defeat. I am still a winner and still his beloved. I am still the apple of his eye because he will willingly leave the 99 just for me. Never will I ever be the strange aroma that displeases him because I am committed to being who he has called me to be. Even if others are okay with it I won’t ever go back there. I will continue to rise and you will to and the journey will be well worth it. Something else may come up but I promise it will never ever be that again ❤️

Ride or Die

“All I need in this life of sin is me and my boyfriend.” That use to be a line in one of my jams by Beyoncé and Jay Z. Every time I sang this song it took me back to a love I thought would never end. People wanted that Bonnie and Clyde love and to think I had it. That was a perfect love… or so I thought.

I remember our first time talking on the phone. I knew him without knowing him. We talked for hours on the phone. My home girl would laugh because I was always pressed about my phone dying because I just wanted to chop it up with him without interruptions (aka talk). He was a enemy though and I knew this, but it was something about him. If my big homie found out I knew that was a violation and I was going to have to fight. Oh well though a dude of his caliber and with his swag only comes once in a lifetime. Plus we vibed well, he low key had me open. Now don’t get me wrong I knew if I had to choose I was choosing my hood and the red flag over him. Joke was on me because that state of mind didn’t even last long.

When me and him got together we were friends. You see he was around when I was dating this idiot that took me through hell. He instantly came to my rescue. I mean who wouldn’t fall for a man who has street cred but soft when it comes to you, and ready to literally kill or pistol whip the dude who did you beyond dirty? He was my knight in shining armor. From a ton of conversation he knew about me being molested, what hood I was from, childhood woes, and some of my deepest darkest secrets. With all that and all that I knew about him and nothing being off limits or hidden when it came to things in regards to him of course I was rocking with him. Wouldn’t you?

Keep the “squares” ( good boys lol street slang what can I say), I’ll take my chocolate hood ninja any day. He was my best friend. He stuck with me through the bad. When we first starting getting together and trying out the whole relationship thing I would make him give me his id. I checked him and would confiscate his gun and would keep mine just in case. Apart of me knew I was safe but the other part of me knew how the laws of the streets go. Plus I didn’t trust no man especially after all the madness I put up with prior to him. Nah he was getting pat down every time. Yes I met his mom and had hung out over there with him and his sisters. I know what your thinking, if you had to do all that why be with him? I knew his reputation and he’s known in the streets as one who is not to be played with, but this is the very thing that made me love him. He allowed me in a way he never let anyone let alone a female in. He was patient with me and whatever I desired or needed he made it happen. On the real he was my Clyde and he knew in his heart I was going to ride with him against whoever and whatever. I was completely locked in.

With time I was able to sleep around him and wouldn’t take his id or gun lol. In fact we spent so much time together and was so close people couldn’t tell if we were friends or together. If he fought I’m jumping in, if he pull his gun I’m pulling too or I’m the getaway driver. You could see us talking but if the cops come neither of us know anything. He’s down for me and I’m down for him. We smoked and got high together and got drunk together. We were every hood boy and girls dream couple. We had what most wanted and would never get. Our loyalty to one another was unmatched. Disrespect who? We were known for going upside someone’s head for saying simply shut up to one of us. We got money together. At that time yes I would even help him strategize how to rob females or other dudes in the hood. War was my specialty. That was my partner, and I knew we would be together forever, but as you know life don’t always happen the way you want it to.

Have you ever craved someone so much that you can still feel their touch and smell them even when they are away from you? I have and it was hard to leave and move to a whole other state. I wasn’t supposed to be gone long. He and I talked about it and he knew I was pregnant. I on the other hand didn’t believe I was. Hearing him beg me to stay for that reason and disregard what was coming our way broke me in so many ways. The last night we spent together went by too fast! I hated leaving him and I know he felt the same. We held each other for a long time but I just knew I was coming back home to him. He was the ONE for me. There would never be another him….

We never anticipate that what we consider perfect being the opposite of that. I mean we are talking about a man I knew like the back of my hand and better than anyone. We were in sync and moved fluidly with each other. We communicated without words majority of the time. BUT God has a way of showing you that what he has is better. I often reminisce on that former love. We were willing to kill for one another without hesitation and lay down and do time for one another. God spoke to me and said if you thought that was love wait until I send the man that can love you properly and wash you with the word. A man that can see you and you guys are one but his love is not from a tainted and broken place. A healthy, pure, and sacred love that not only protects you but is the link to your success in every facet of your life. He will love you enough to protect you without compromising anything concerning you. If you thought that was love wait until the man I have for you is able to really see you. How much greater is that? I don’t regret my Clyde and from time to time I think about what could have been, but then again it wouldn’t be a life of peace. So I leave him where he is and continue to raise the beautiful creation made by our former love. Life goes on and there is more for me to live. Patiently waiting ❤️

I Got to Say, Today Was a Good Day

Have you ever sat down and really thought about when you leave this earth, what you will be leaving behind? You know most people talk about the wealth they want to leave to children. I’ve even had some people tell me they want to leave a legacy behind. You know their work will continue long after they are gone. That simple question, what you want to leave behind is definitely a loaded one. One could only hope that they leave something worth being continued.

Today started off so great. When I woke up i fixed strawberry cinnamon rolls for my kids for breakfast. Turned on my Keurig and got my cup of joe (like who can really function without that liquid gold anyway right?). I sat and read the Word some and allowed it to saturate and consume my mind as i swirled my coffee in my cup, thinking about ways to apply what I just read. Long story short this morning started of PERFECT. I sang ,talked to my kids ,and swayed my hips to the beat of my music blasting through my iPhone. Again, I purposed in my heart and mind today was going to be a PERFECT day. I got dressed and got to work with a smile on my face. I made sure I greeted people especially those with the early morning “stank faces” as I like to call it. You know the ones who think life sucks at 8 am, and their face is screwed up and you know their breath is tart from not opening their mouths to return your hello. Yeah I greeted the bitter bugs too, because I just knew today was going to be what…. say it with me PERFECT!!!!!

Someone once told me don’t get to comfortable because you will get caught slipping. Yeah well I was minding my business that pays me (and well I might add) and excited about life then BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going to my car to get in and what do i see???( Yes I’m a little dramatic and ya’ll gon’ feel my pain ,hence all the question marks *insert shrug*) Someone took it upon themselves to take a stick or something of the sort and wrote stupid on my less than 2 week brand new car!!!!!!!!!! Livid, I was that very much so. When I say I couldn’t think of a scripture to save my life but I most definitely knew my colors very well because RED was all I could see and yes it was vibrant and very vivid!!!! The only thing that kept me from stomping around yelling a few choice words was the fact that there were children around. Thank the good Lord for those rams (children) in the bush because baby I was ready to come unglued. I’m from Inglewood, CA and you gotta know the hood was ever ready to burst forth. I was ready to kick behind and take names and get the who’s and whys later. But i digress. So I inquired if they saw anyone around my car or anything like that and basically there was a name of a suspect given. Can you say my new place of residence would have been cell block C, because I was ready for war.

I know ya’ll are thinking what is wrong with this young lady ummm not the one who screams Jesus I love you. How dare she feel like that, well pipe down and keep walking with me, oh and yes I still Love Jesus with all of my heart. I’m a christian growing daily. But I have a long way to go before I’ve “arrived” and it’s not an excuse but God is working out the kinks in me. Anyways back to my day, after being jolted back to reality and realizing that orange jail attire or even pink (yeah that’s one of the colors here women wear in jail) is really not a good look for me today or any other day. So i took my mad self to where I was originally headed before my perfect day became not so perfect anymore. I took the necessary steps as far as reporting what occurred to the necessary people. I then came back home after stopping by Chick fil A because after all that honey I deserved a chicken sandwich AND a sweet tea with just a splash of lemonade light ice. I was no longer in the mood to cook so I used my free cheeseburger coupons for my kids and of course they were happy as all get out. Now in between time I reached out to some family and asked them to lift me up in prayer and told them what occurred. Let’s just say the prayer didn’t hit the ceiling because between them and my conversation I had with God on my way to drop off an order anger slowly left my body. In fact, I told Abba (God but it means father in Hebrew) that he blessed me with this car and he promised to have my back at all times. I don’t want to beat the person up and that he could just deal with it. I just pray for justice. Once, I made it back and my kids and I ate a few things occurred to me. Sometimes things aren’t nearly as bad as they appear to be on the onset.

As I was outside playing with my kids and some of my neighbors kids a few things dawned on me. Today was still perfect despite one little blemish. Let me tell you why, today I learned that I need to target my anger in prayer. In the same breath though, I also realized that I was not nearly as impulsive in my anger. Yes I got very upset, however, I didn’t immediately call anyone and lash out. I left the place where I first discovered the “hurt” because continuing to stand there and waiting for the suspect to show up is something I would have done a while ago. I intentionally went away and shifted focus back to the business at hand, completing an order. So the blemish is what was done to my car and yes I shed a couple tears but my attention was not soley on the issue at hand but the steps to properly handle the problem. This is a major accomplishment for me. I remember when I wasn’t calling or asking a sole to pray for me because I’m angry. I remember going to the offender’s house and politely knocking on the door and and telling them to step outside so I could whoop their tail up and down the street. I was known for having a razor under my tongue and could flip that bad boy out, I wish somebody would have tried to jump in and save the person I was fighting. Oh and if I lost I was coming back until I whooped you and good. Everytime I saw them I was ready for another round. In knowing how far I have come and that God has really been working on me…… I’m ready to shout!!!! The moment I wanted to condemn myself I was inspired to release through this blog. I came to share to the one who is saved and you have fallen short in this day, know that God still loves you and don’t you dare quit because you fell short, get back up. I’m reminded of the scripture that a righteous man falls seven times but gets back up. Your still saved and still given another chance to get it right the next time. Flaws and all you are still the apple of God’s eye. Nothing can separate you from the love of the Father!!! The Bible even says somethings he will deliver us from bit by bit. Breathe baby your still on your way. This is not a license to wallow in the opinion of people , sin that you indulge in, or even your own negative self talk, take the small victories and you use that plus what Abba shows you so next time you do even better. Today was perfect with the blemish and all. My night has been full of laughter and my kids even learned a few things. No need for revenge or to be upset God’s got this and i still have my freedom lol. In fact, if I do find out who did it , it gives me the opportunity to take the high road and show them what the love of God looks like. I won’t be angry or hateful but I will pray for them and be kind. After all the same has been done for me. So when I think of what I want to leave behind when I die the answer is simple. I want to leave behind the gems and nuggets that has gotten me through days like today. An example of how God will take a ratchet soul and purify and clean it up. The finished product being a sight to behold and encouragement to someone else. I just want to leave hope for the next person that they too will do and are destined for great things. Man doesn’t determine how great or worthy we are, our actions and persistence to yielding and allowing the father to grow us does. Until next time!!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall Shatter the Reflection of the Most Horrendous of Them All

I never wanted to face myself in the mirror. I didn’t like reflection looking back at me. She was hideous, unwanted, abused, and used up. I despised her and she was never really worth anything to begin with. Stings of words regurgitated and spewed like venom plastered to her face. A distorted broken monster looking back at me. Yes I hate her and she is always looking back at me with disdain and dissatisfaction. Well, newsflash sis I hate you too. Washed up I hear the echos from many previous voices. Drowning out my hearing they are loud echoing, never ceasing, just please SHUT UP!!!! I can only glance and deal with her image for a few minutes at a time. The sign on her forehead is too bright and its bold reading, ” Perverts are welcome here” and its lights are bright will they ever dim and lose battery life? This person in the mirror with tape over her mouth muzzling her screams wanting to be free from agony but she can’t. She’s trapped looking back at me in horror wondering does anybody care. Mind in overdrive, consumed by memories of when the hands that were supposed to hold me punched me, pinched, and shook me. I can’t save her, so i yell STOP STARING AT ME!! Shes an ugly monster and besides monsters belong in graves. Why should she live? All of the horrible things she did. Let’s see if she deserves a chance. From birth she was a problem, a regretful reminder of a love gone sour. Tainted goods by a few men and a couple women too who made her grow up fast but she learned to be quiet because she was not supposed to tell. Can’t forget about her chasing her daddy away, well in all fairness he may have never really loved her that much anyway. I mean come on she wasn’t even worth fighting for. Mama said if they love you they will fight for you, hmmm guess she’s not only worthless to me. Oh great, the tears are coming down at a rapid rate, if you don’t suck it up and swallow the pain. Your just a reflection what you know about this life. I’m the one out here pretending everything is fine all the while slowly dying inside. I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of giving, and lets be honest i’m tired of these men taking pieces of me but you don’t see me folding now do you? Why is my image just watching me through her tears and won’t do as i say. It’s a cold world out here don’t you know this by now girl pull yourself together and get your coat. You can’t beat them so join them but do it better. Heart made of stone and keep the steel close by, ain’t no love in these streets so you better wise up. You lived through all those pills you took and your obviously a tough cookie. Should have been dead because i thought i did a hell of a job trying to get you out of here. Yet here we are me and you face to face again. I can’t stand you and as soon as i apply this lip gloss then i won’t have to see you no more until the next time i enter into a place where I’m forced to see my reflection. Lord knows i don’t want to look at you anyway, there is no hope for you. Smother your dreams and a life of what could be. I don’t care what you see when you fall asleep. I know the dreams are vivid and seem so real but that’s in a perfect world girl get real. I can’t live this way any longer I’m tired. I hear a voice telling me that those things that I see are all a lie. If I will let him he will come in because he has been longing for me. You see I am not what I see in the mirror it is all a mirage and for me he died. I can’t see him but I feel him and can even hear him. Every time I look in the mirror I hear him and the things he says he feels about me. You see when I see her now in the mirror her face is no longer distorted. Some of the labels are gone. She was worth saving because he said she is worth dying for. Some days she is hard for me to look at and others I love who I see looking back at me. One thing I know is that I will never give up on her and she is not what she used to see or would even hear. She is healthy now in the face and even has a glow, my reflection is of beauty. Ashes carried in the wind, no monster looking back at me. Royalty is what I see.

A Piece of Me

Pain can become so familiar, that in its absence you feel afraid because disappointment, abandonment, betrayal, being misunderstood have been a constant friend. Tear stained pillows from thinking that the one person you thought loved you would never leave, nor would you have to walk away. You accept the hurt they cause from their accusations, misinformation formulated in their minds, wicked perceptions that really speak to who they are yet you are the target of regret so it is the label in their mind they have slapped on your forehead. All you want is to be embraced but as long as you march to the beat of their drum and never misstep you can live to fight to show you love them another day. All the while suffocating from their opinions, insecurities, and self righteousness. Am I really guilty ALL the time or is it that your intolerable and hard to deal with? Love is not supposed to hurt or so I thought. I wrestle with the indifference I see behind the words I love you. I allow the pain from your criticism to rock my entire core, and just when I am about to fall I rise. I am determined not desperate, not for you but for me. I force myself to swallow my tears and violently wipe away the ones threatening to stream down my face. My pain you could never understand so I bury it because out of the two I have to be the one that stands. I carry you in my spirit and my heart and mind. This is not eloquent because “us” is not eloquent. It’s a beautiful perverted travesty. Stop rushing my process because you can’t understand, this is a whole lot of walls to tear down, apathy to be displaced. Yes, I am solid as a rock because I refuse to allow what I feel to emerge. But then I feel the anguish rising and as I fight to hold onto you and love you my anguish turns to rage. T.O.X.I.C this love, this relationship is toxic. How are you okay with staying afloat at the expense of me drowning? Then I realize you can’t give what you don’t have nor know how to receive. I will not bow except to that of Yahweh. I can no longer conform , this fight won’t let me quit. My dreams and hopes may have been shattered at your hands, but my spirit is resilient. So as I gain control over my breathing, stand up straight , fix my hair after falling apart I realize it’s not you. It’s always been me. I just couldn’t see the enemy trying to kill me, through you. Baby I feel sorry for you and there are parts of me that longs for you. I see the good in you still but I can’t allow the devil in you to kill me. Bleeding out and wounds still fresh I limp away from this with a different type of pain. The pain that comes from a love you have no choice but to walk away from. I love you still but I choose life. God will heal me with time because if I’ve learned nothing else throughout our time is that he was, is, and will always be by my side. Because of him my sanity is intact and Ive accomplished things through his strength and grace. I can hear your broken pieces crying for me but I have to force myself to turn a deaf ear to the cries. I am not your savior nor do I have the power or strength to continue trying to mend what’s broken and impossible to fix. This is the end , no goodbyes, no see you later’s. It’s time for me to be free and find me. It is finished.

Just Me

Often times the very things we have been waiting for scare us the most. I’m not talking about superficial things, but the very thing that is more precious than many even recognize. Being yourself. I remember in school people would try and belittle me. I was petite, wore glasses, loved to read, and thrived academically. What most had to study hard for I didn’t, it just came easy for me. Needless to say I was dubbed as a nerd and people would try me. Quiet as it’s kept my feelings would be so hurt and I was not a fan of myself even.I did not see the beauty in my uniqueness. I devalued the very essence of me and because of that I shrunk back from identity. Who I am was in direct conflict with who society, peers, and others said I should be. I lost sight of what love is and took on the connotation most have proclaimed it to be. The dreamer, loving, kind, poetic, wise little girl I was had been locked in a block buried underneath this monster and savage I created. How is it that the attritbutes we claim to hate and look down on are the ones that are accepted? People felt like this monster I was that fought, cursed, and spared not one soul was vicious but was received versus who I am. I am realizing that it was never me that was sick it was and still is them. I have learned that people want the worst version of you to feel better about their demons and short comings. I was never created to fit in with the majority, I set the standard that others would have to rise to meet. I could never not be my amazing self because that means I reject the God in me. I AM created in his image and bear his attributes. People will scoff and talk crazy but I AM a uniquely and wonderfully made woman. I have the right people around me to love and embrace everything that I am and everything that I am not.I guess in all these words what I’m saying is there is no on worth not embracing me for. The agony of rejection from self and living in another’s image is too hard and taxing. It’s hard to win in life in someone else’s armor. Being free means to be me. I am free to dance and sing loudly in the stree when my jam comes on, I am unashamed of rocking my natural hair with it’s nappy roots, and I am free to eat avocados while watching one of my favorite movies Cry Baby. I am me and that is and will always be Amazing! (Written by me on April 22,2020 on WIX)