Dear You,

It is with much love and peace that I write this to you. I’m sure I could have waited to tell you this but, I wouldn’t want my words to fail me then. So I’m writing this to you now. Everyday I thank God for you. Yes, you in general but I thank him for every intricate detail of who you are. I love you from from the beginning of you and I know of no end to you because where one would argue it is, it flows as a continuance and extension of me. You are the reflection of me and I can just be simply because you are. Your last name I carry is right next to being as great as the one God originally gave me when He named me. We is what I carry in my spirit and move fluidly all the while in sync with our daddy because we are one. My love, my best friend, my blessing, the vision, my rider, and everything in between. I am so grateful Yah chose you for me. I will never devalue your strength nor the validity of who you are. I promise to run to you and never seek another except that of our Father. I trust you to lead and be submissive to me as I am to you. When you can’t, I will. I cover you with every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. I speak well of you and will continue to until I no longer can. There is no battle I will not fight with you, there is no challenge that we won’t face together, it is us against the problem. Spreading love and allowing the light of Yah to illuminate the darkest of hearts. We are the testimony of what love God has for us and will be the example in the flesh of what a Holy Matrimony as the bride of Christ looks like. I love doing life with you and always will. Seeing the vision God gave when it was just you and then I. The missing piece to the puzzle coming together to be seen as the beautiful work to draw all men back to the artist. I loved you before I even knew you, and I love you still. All that I feel is concrete and won’t ever change. With you there is no expiration, but only until the fulfillment of the journey and even then our love will echo for our children and carry over until infinity. I truly believe….

Love,

Queen

Most Gracious Heavenly Father,

I come to you with praise and thanksgiving bubbling on the inside of me. Abba I adore you and I am in awe at how deep your love flows for me. You are so strategic and masterful in all your ways. Who could give such beauty and detail in every single creation you have made? Father I worship you for you are my knight in shining armor when evil threatens my being, you are my rock that is unmovable, my confidant in whom I can share my secrets with without judgement and condemnation. You allow the sun to shine and it kisses me so sweetly on the cheek. I feel you in the wind, I see your beauty in the trees and nature. You are ever so gentle and sweet, a gentleman when it comes to me. You are pleasing to me in all of your ways like sweet honey on the taste of my lips, my soul longs for you constantly because you are my refuge. You are my safe place. You hide me in your pinions and you give me rest. You are joy unspeakable. You are the resounding voice that steers and guides me. I cherish you for all the times that I have been unlovable but yet you never threw me away with the trash. You care about my well being. You have prepared a way for me, plans of good and not of evil. When I call your name you incline your ear unto me. I can’t see me and there is no you. Even when you chastise me, it is painful but you love me like the parent you are who knows what’s best and wants me to refocus and shift in my ways. Abba I appreciate you speaking to me, encouraging me, removing toxic things and people, growing me up, changing my ways, and never leaving me. I know your promise is true that you will complete the good work you have started in me. I love you Yahuah and I thank you for never leaving nor forsaking me. I trust you with everything concerning me. For when my mother and father forsake me you take me up. I praise you for who and what you are to me. You are amazing and never cease to amaze me. Everything about you is lovely. I love to be in your presence because I seemingly find the essence of who I am because you are. Everywhere I go there you are, my protector. I never need nor lack because you hold true to your word. Nothing in this world can ever satisfy me the way that you do. Thank you and I love you more than anything or anyone in this whole wide world. My love is and will forever be concrete.

Signed,

Your Daughter, the apple of your eye Shannon

I use to think freedom was solely being able to do the things I wanted to do. Whether good or bad, I felt free to do as I pleased. Well today I realized in totality that real freedom is not necessarily doing what you want to do. Sounds off right? At first it did to me to. Then it hit me this morning during a prayer call I was on. How are we truly ever free when we are confined to the conditioning, traditions, ideologies, and identities that have been handed to us and we walk in it blindly? Entering adulthood we walk in the things we are taught and to some degree force fed by goals that have been imprinted in our minds by society and other influences. How can you say that your real and truly agree when you are walking in the image that your parents and others have told you that you are? What ends up happening is we settle into lives, deal with people, excuse behaviors, or make excuses for behaviors based off of what someone has told or taught is right. Is it really though? Are you truly walking in who you are and standing on what you really believe in? Or are you like many who have become so warped and blind that they reject the voice or passion within them for the sake of the image that they were handed? I mean after all, we all don’t want to disappoint or let someone else down right? So are you really free or has the choices already been predetermined for you by people?

When I was a little girl up until my teens my mom would take my sister and I to church sometimes. I was not big on it. I saw things then that just didn’t sit right with me. However, I wasn’t there for what they were trying to give me because the source was impure to me. So I went and hung out with my friends and I even praise danced because it was freeing to me. I loved everything about it. I would forget the people were there and it was just something about it I looked forward to. After dancing I was indeed back on my worst behavior. One thing that always stuck with me in the deepest part of my heart was something that one of my favorite Pastors Ive ever had the pleasure of knowing said to me. One day he was trying to get me to see my actions were wrong and he said, “You don’t have to be stuck like this because you can be free. You were made to be more than just this!” At that time I was in the streets, smoking weed, drinking, just an entire mess. I was tired of feeling pressured to be something I wasn’t and didn’t have a desire to be. I rebelled because I felt misunderstood and I wanted them to not only see me but hear and know me. I definitely wasn’t who they wanted me to be nor assumed I was. The thing I desired most was to truly be free and “unboxed”. I felt confined even though I did what I wanted to for the most part.

My mama always said, “Your grown and free to do what you want when you move out of my house.” Well guess what? Even when I left and was doing what in such a way I thought I wanted to do, I still did not feel free. I felt obligated to people and things when I didn’t necessarily want to be deep down inside if I’m being honest. However, I didn’t want to lose them. What ended up happening is that I found myself not being true to myself and thus feeling confined and a slave to my emotions/loyalty that I had for them. It took a harsh reality and truth from an ex-boyfriend. It was that last relationship that started to really wake me up. The day I had to make what felt like a hard decision, I realized just how caught up and twisted in who and what he needed me to be I was. Plus I had to be extra to compensate for him not knowing who he was and who he thought I was (I settled). Truth be told what I wanted to do was keep him and for the 3rd time give him a chance. It was my relationship with God that conflicted with it. I had to choose between what was beginning to gnaw at me internally and who he wanted me to be. As well as the person I became along with all that I thought and was taught to be during the course of my life.

See in choosing God that meant I had to unlearn, learn, give up, be honest, be vulnerable, and acknowledge who I truly am. Contrary to popular belief there is liberty in serving God. How so? The more you learn about the one who truly knows you and he opens up your eyes about you, then you will find you have been living a complete lie for the most part if not in totality. The word of God cuts and opens you up to the places that you would not dare go. Its the truth of everything about and surrounding you. The closer you draw near to Yah, some of the things you have in your possession will make you question did you ever want or need it all. The pressures and standards of living one way was stressful, but in being authentically who you were created to be brings about joy and peace like you’ve never known. Freedom to stand on what you know to be true without the shame of being found out for being a hypocrite because what you profess is just what it is. That’s what I mean by being free. Free to live in abundance and favor in spite of even the struggle and frustrations you come up against. So this morning I finally understood what freedom looks like. Authentic and pure to the core. Free to live and obtain all that belongs to you much quicker, than constantly messing up and having to circle back to redo it again. Many have fought for their freedom that benefited thousands if not billions of people. What about you, will you choose to fight for what’s worth having…your freedom?

The greatest challenge is not the act of admitting when one is wrong , but looking in the mirror and realizing you are responsible for your outcomes in life. It’s easy to shift the blame and say “but they shouldn’t have” or the infamous “they hurt me” line. Ironically being hurt, misused, mishandled, and/ or being violated is inevitable. Not saying it is excusable but you are responsible for your response, lack thereof, and reaction. I can hear you now but I was nothing but good to them. That very well may be true but your perception may be skewed in that you still played a part. We all do and always will.

September 4th I turned the big 33. I spent the day before my birthday reflecting as I do every year prior to my day of celebration of life.I thought about the very few people I call friends, my kids, my current position in life, goals, family, and all that transpired that year. This time, however, instead of looking at the roles others played I chose to zero in on myself. You see there was a few times I didn’t communicate in an effective way, if at all. I have a habit of shutting down in hopes of trying to control my emotions. I also realized in some cases I set myself up for failure by not trusting what the Lord showed me and doing what he told me to do specifically. Basically in a nut shell I found that when I broke down my role in every situation good and bad that I was responsible in the outcome.

To me one of the greatest travesties in life is being a victim and not acknowledging the fact that you are responsible for the cause and effect in your life. How so you may be wondering? It’s all quite simple to be honest. You will receive what you have put out, and the measure in which you measure will be measured unto you. At one time or another we all stand on the opposite side of that which we condemn. We also do things and say things which are considered trespasses against someone. The same grace we want requires us to first admit and evaluate ourselves in any and every situation. Then it is on us yet again to decide to remain the problem or change and become a solution. Christ showed us the way along with taught us. For you see it was by his works, deeds, character, discipline, and etc. that showed the disciples how to conduct themselves and made them ACCOUNTABLE of their actions towards all. You can’t begin to invoke change until you change you and how you deal with things in the fire. For it is in the fire you are formed and who you are truly emerges. You can’t change anyone around you, nor can you redo anything, but you can change you and that’s where it all starts anyhow.

I saw a sight to behold, one of many various beautiful colors. It caught my attention and I stared in amazement. Captivating me and holding my eyes hostage. As we gazed into one anothers eyes I slowly became lost in translation. A pull tugging at every fiber of my being. Intrigued yet afraid of the depths in which i was floating into. Layers upon layers of beauty almost afraid to blink for fear i may miss the gems that filled this beautiful being. A substance of gold oil dripping down and the aroma of a sweet fragrance, maybe cinnamon. I saw the beauty of her core and how it radiated a bright beautiful light. The fire seemingly enveloping the deepest parts of her. I saw the rigid frailty of what appeared to be her heart yet it pulsated with such vigor and power causing vibrations threatening to bring me back to reality. This place I found comfort in, I felt peace, I felt protection, I felt her wisdom and unadulterated truths that made her who she was. She was more than beauty, she was strength dipped in fierceness. Yet she was gentle. A shaking disrupting our encounter, a blanket trying to smolder and hide all that I seen. Yells falling on seemingly deaf ears as the tears began to fill her eyes. It wasn’t that she didn’t love because she was willing to love again, it was the harshness and brutal reality of the fictitious lies she swallowed. Fighting everything closing in on us for her beauty can’t be defiled it was life, it was healing, it was inspiring. Vision getting cloudy, warmth on my face i cried for her and didn’t know if she heard me but I had to somehow save the very best parts of her. Astonishment as I blinked and realized that girl I locked eyes with was me….

Today I faced many challenges that I have been running from. I never have got into the hype of that ‘New year, new me’ foolishness. 2020 was not a bad year except I lost a piece of myself and buried it right beside my grandmother. I said that I would be honest because I blog to encourage and show that people who love Jesus are not exempt from scars. We go through struggles, fight demons no one knows about, we get disappointed and let down, we struggle, and we most definitely fall short. People are so legalistic and hide behind the Bible and fancy clothes. Heck some are so ashamed of the real them they hide behind religious cliches and act high and mighty. They judge harshly but in secret they are the same big ball of mess as you, and like you they want to be free. I am not one of those christians. You cant be delivered from what you try and cover up. So with that said here is my truth…

Last year I had some wins in spite of the Pandemic. I got a new vehicle, I still had income rolling in, and I was growing in my relationship with God. Then I met someone and I took a chance on dating even though I was comfortable being single. I started my blog and had so many creative ideas flowing through me. Well, that relationship ended. I failed my test and it was the worst because I had been so focused and doing well. Needless to say it reminded me of a place I fought so hard to come from spiritually and emotionally. Now don’t get me wrong yes I seen some stuff coming and yes I know what God said but I was hard headed. Well it was down hill from there. The thing that took me out though was my grandmother declining and then finally transitioning. I felt like a part of me was buried with her. Iv’e been through some things but that broke me down piece by piece. I felt pain in a way I have never known. I don’t easily cry but I found myself feeling so broken and I knew she needed to rest but my heart needed her. I felt agony that I couldn’t hear her or tell her about my disappointments, my accomplishments, or even just cut up and listen to her drop some jewels. Who was I going to be vulnerable and bare my soul without reservation at the possibility of harsh judgement and criticism? I never really trusted people because they hurt you. I learned that monsters are not the killers behind bars or these hideous creatures but monsters are the people under the influence of the enemy.Very few people will embrace the essence of you. So what was I supposed to now?

I’ve always been a fighter..literally but then it translated into a spiritual art for me. I am unafraid to go to war and I am as bold as they come. You know the down side about always fighting? There are periods when you need to rest, unfortunately the battle waged on for me. I was fighting for my sanity, direction on how to deal with things that were going on around me, frustration, insecurity, and a slew of other things. I was tired but I continued to read the Word and pray. I started to breathe again, and I just knew the ending of my year was going to be great. I was finally able to rest and God was showing me all that he placed in my life to take the weight off of me so I can get back to my assignment. Oh but the enemy threw some curve balls and I felt every inch of the blow. The church I attended closed, there was turmoil within that situation. Have you ever fell and scraped your knee, you may cry but you dust yourself and continue what you were doing. It isn’t until you get in the house and you look at it and the adrenaline is gone that you feel just how deep and how much it really hurts. Well, that’s exactly how I felt. I felt like I had been rocked to my core by the most powerful punch I had ever been hit by. The combination of all that transpired in the failed relationship, my grandmother, everything surrounding the closure of the church among other things, I for once felt like I had nothing left in me.

I found myself in this space where I couldn’t really talk to God. I felt like even though somethings I should have done differently, Yah had let me down at least that is the lie I told myself. It reminded me of my relationship with my natural father. We were so close at one point but when I needed him, I felt that he turned his back on me. I felt like my hearts cry fell upon death ears. I was asking for answers and what I was seeing scared me. I took a chance on opening up and letting people in, I was speaking out more on what I saw and speaking when Yah told me to release it, I was following for the most part what he wanted. I didn’t do anything purposefully to hurt anyone, yet here I am getting cut left and right. Who was really for me? People I trusted showed how they really felt about me. How could this be? Why do this to me? All that I went through when I was younger and now I’m still fighting it feels like the same “issues” yet on a different scale. This isn’t fair. So I did what I know how to do, swallow my tears and protect myself at all cost. Or what I thought was protecting myself rather.

Slowly I started drinking again (not much a drink or two on the weekend). No more tears for me, just sleep and a touch of anger. I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone except for a couple people. You know the funny thing I learned about all of this is if you protect anything in this life it should be your spirit, relationship with Yah, and yourself. Sounds selfish but if you learn to keep those relationships in tact your relationship with others will be one in the same because we protect what we love. You see I saw the storm brewing before it slammed onto my front door step. Had I continued to eat the word daily and protect my mind, heart, eyes, ears, and soul this next storm wouldn’t have almost took me out. I could hear Yah beckoning me to lean on him and trust that he never left me. I heard the alarms but they sounded so faint in comparison to my pain. All the warning signs of the next trick to take me out Yah revealed but I couldn’t see through my pain. His voice started to slowly be drowned out and all I heard was the words of a pseudo – but familiar comforter. Love never dies but love with even the slightest impurities has the power to slowly poison you. I was dying slowly by the day but I couldn’t stop myself because after all this pseudo love felt oh so good when I felt like I was all alone. I didn’t even realize that I was in a web and completely entangled until I realized that the truth was really just a lie.

To Be continued

Often times we have a tendency to scrutinize, offer unsolicited opinions, and judgement based on our perception of how well we handle things in life. We even have the audacity at times to take personal situations and actions of others in various situations because we know who they have the potential to be and a standard we hold them to. Grace goes out the window and we toss mercy into the wind. Our expectations drive us more than we are really aware of. If not careful we wind up with unnecessary hurt and pain caused not just to the people but we ourselves.

There is scripture in Titus that I was reminded of a week ago. That scripture says that a good soldier does not get entangled in civilian affairs. It was like a bullet hit me in my chest. Our focus must be on our assignment and God alone. We are in a spiritual battle and most of us are being taken out by preoccupying ourselves with the cares of this world and situations we aren’t called to become engrossed in. In fact if we are honest we put our hands on these situations and people because it reminds us of something we have experienced or simply because we love and care for those involved. This usually causes us to unknowingly revisit a wound or situation we were supposed to have made it through. The problem is sometimes we don’t realize we aren’t even healed and if not careful we will find ourselves in a mess that we should have never been apart of.

Advice and giving warnings are great if we practice what we are commanding or suggesting someone else do. That old saying do what I tell you to do, and don’t worry about what I do because I’m an adult is what has us jacked up! How inaccurate that statement is. We forget the law, where the head goes the body follows. We follow the leader. Again we should not entangle ourselves in “civilian affairs” . We pray for the individuals and offer what we practice and know to be true but we keep it moving. If you can’t walk it like you talk it then find out what barriers are holding you hostage and go be healed. While being healed be quiet and allow the Holy Spirit to have his perfect work in you. We often cause much damage when we don’t.

This season of my life has taught me this very thing. Some things are better left and should be addressed in prayer alone. Be mindful of watching your walk and what God is commanding you to do regardless of what you feel or see. Be sure you are living what you are advising if not you just may end up with casualties from friendly fire. Know this a righteous man falls 7 times and gets up. So get up and be encouraged there is still work for you to do the battle is still raging. 🤍

I have faced many things in my short time on this earth. I overcame many obstacles standing on my own two feet with God operating in the midst of it all. September 12, 2020 was to date one of the hardest things I faced. I don’t easily cry because I learned that vultures see tears and try to swoop in. In fact the 2 emotions I’ve ever displayed openly was anger and happiness. Besides when has anyone seen a soldier on the front lines in tears? Never, but this day I couldn’t hide them.

Death of a loved one always shows you who is who in your life. My granny was my heart. She was like a second mother to me. There was nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for her and she knew that. I would go against anybody to defend her. She knew what she meant to me. We would cut up with one another, pick on each other, I’ve cried in her arms like a baby, we have laughed until we cried, I’ve laid in the bed with her and just watch tv. She was my heart and and through it all she rocked with me no matter what I did or what was said about me. She was solid and for those things I held her close to me.So when I received that call at 3:14 am my heart shattered. I will never forget that as long as I live. My life was forever changed in that very moment.

You know it’s amazing how quickly word travels of someone’s death and bad news but it’s never that quickly spread when someone is in need unless they can gain publicity in it and a pat on the back. I quickly learned in that day who were my real friends. Who is really sincere in the words they spoke during our interactions. People say whatever sounds good but it’s in tragedy when your world is crumbling before your very eyes that you see the truth. Needless to say I was shocked as to who reached out and who didn’t.

“I got your back” or “Hey sis” Those phrases are used so much without integrity of its meaning, and used so loosely at that. People I considered a friend or “sister” were the very ones I didn’t hear from. It was those people who along the way I ended up disconnected from that reached out. Amazing right? I buried more than my grandmother this past weekend needless to say. You see my granny taught me something even from the grave. I wanted to be angry but all of that showed me that in this next season of my life those dead relationships needed to be buried. We don’t often see the things (if we are distracted or don’t want to acknowledge) or people that are attached to us whose time has come to an end in our life. We get comfortable because they are familiar and we know them. We must know however, the time and season of our life. Where I am headed they could not go because the weight of them exceeded the weight limit of my next. An even greater lesson was making sure people are placed in their proper places in your life. There are some folks I would love to axe out of my life but God said no. I am still in a position where I am on assignment and although my flesh wants no parts of them I am obedient and wise enough to know they play a role in this next season. Its funny because I remember my granny telling me something similar to this once. What I remember about what she shared is a lesson i have to pull out now… never get mad at what people do, do what your supposed to and get what you were sent for. Give what you are supposed to, never let anyone be the excuse you use as to why you missed out on what God is requiring of you. After all, there is a blessing tied up in this and this too shall pass and be but a memory. Be encouraged.

What do you do when your heart and mind are waging war against one another. Your spirit exhausted and filled with sorrow. Who do you reach out to when you are barely hanging on by a thread. No music can convey nor speak to what is going on in the inside. Floor soaked in your tears and snot because you can barely say anything audible. What do you do when there is not a soul who can comfort you and the one you long for in the natural is incapable and they are part of the source of your pain? Waves of frustration, confusion, desperation, defeat crashing against your heart making you unable to stand. WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!

I sat on my bed head hanging low last night. I prayed and prayed but there was such a burden and various emotions causing insomnia. I glanced at the clock 1 am was the reflection staring back at me. My mind running with current events from the city I reside in. Murder on my mind, 2 lives lost but really 2 families and kids robbed by senseless violence. The next thought came speeding in at 120 mph and news of further disappointment surrounding a relative. Followed up by examining all that is on my plate and doubt seeping in that I am incapable of doing what needs to be done. I look back at the clock wipe my tears away and it was only 1:02 am. Reminder I need to be up and pour encouragement into my son in a couple hours because how is day starts is crucial to his entire day. I sigh and feel the scream threatening to escape. A simple whisper bursts through… Daddy I hurt, what must I do?

In our darkest and most painful hour the biggest challenge is to not lay down. There is a fire though that burns within me and I can’t stay down. By nature I am a fighter. No matter how tired, pressed, wounded, and pained I feel that fire on the inside of me drives me to fight until the finish even as tears fall. I may tap but know I am coming back to fight until the death. It’s all I know and it’s apart of who I am. So I wrestled and toiled until….

The Bible is living and very much all that one needs. Many would argue it’s not active and I say to that then you don’t believe. I opened it up to 1 Kings 17 and began to read. You see Elijah shared his testimony with me through the black ink on the pages before me. He reminded me I was not alone and I was not the first to fight and give it all I got. In fact he showed me that though despair, frustration, promises of death, defeat, tiredness threaten me and pursue me that Yah still has me in mind. My life is for his glory and attests to who he is and my job and purpose of being here is to point towards the Kingdom for those who are ensnared and blinded by the enemy. I am called to face the enemy and it’s camp and allow Yah through me to bring life and victory to his children. I am strong and resilient because I’m not afraid to face a demon and slay them because I know his oil and hand will deliver and empower me. It is in my strength I feel weak and powerless. Basically there is no need for me to run. I don’t have to figure out how to do what he needs me to do to win, I just need to execute what he commands me to do.

Today, in spite of what I am up against internally and externally one thing I know for sure. There is provision and victory as long as I stand and keep doing what I am called to do. There is more work to be done and no matter the battles I win or even lose , the fact remains the winning of the war is what is imperative. The war for souls to return to the creator, our Father who desires us and loves us immensely. We are soldiers placed to go in and rescue the captives and in war it is bloody, there are casualties, and it is nothing pretty. Regardless we must fight under the unction of our commander and chief Yah. Be encouraged soldier for we shall be delivered! Don’t quit because I won’t quit and we are in this thing together. We have to keep moving for this too shall be a memory and will pass. This I know to be true.