Today I faced many challenges that I have been running from. I never have got into the hype of that ‘New year, new me’ foolishness. 2020 was not a bad year except I lost a piece of myself and buried it right beside my grandmother. I said that I would be honest because I blog to encourage and show that people who love Jesus are not exempt from scars. We go through struggles, fight demons no one knows about, we get disappointed and let down, we struggle, and we most definitely fall short. People are so legalistic and hide behind the Bible and fancy clothes. Heck some are so ashamed of the real them they hide behind religious cliches and act high and mighty. They judge harshly but in secret they are the same big ball of mess as you, and like you they want to be free. I am not one of those christians. You cant be delivered from what you try and cover up. So with that said here is my truth…
Last year I had some wins in spite of the Pandemic. I got a new vehicle, I still had income rolling in, and I was growing in my relationship with God. Then I met someone and I took a chance on dating even though I was comfortable being single. I started my blog and had so many creative ideas flowing through me. Well, that relationship ended. I failed my test and it was the worst because I had been so focused and doing well. Needless to say it reminded me of a place I fought so hard to come from spiritually and emotionally. Now don’t get me wrong yes I seen some stuff coming and yes I know what God said but I was hard headed. Well it was down hill from there. The thing that took me out though was my grandmother declining and then finally transitioning. I felt like a part of me was buried with her. Iv’e been through some things but that broke me down piece by piece. I felt pain in a way I have never known. I don’t easily cry but I found myself feeling so broken and I knew she needed to rest but my heart needed her. I felt agony that I couldn’t hear her or tell her about my disappointments, my accomplishments, or even just cut up and listen to her drop some jewels. Who was I going to be vulnerable and bare my soul without reservation at the possibility of harsh judgement and criticism? I never really trusted people because they hurt you. I learned that monsters are not the killers behind bars or these hideous creatures but monsters are the people under the influence of the enemy.Very few people will embrace the essence of you. So what was I supposed to now?
I’ve always been a fighter..literally but then it translated into a spiritual art for me. I am unafraid to go to war and I am as bold as they come. You know the down side about always fighting? There are periods when you need to rest, unfortunately the battle waged on for me. I was fighting for my sanity, direction on how to deal with things that were going on around me, frustration, insecurity, and a slew of other things. I was tired but I continued to read the Word and pray. I started to breathe again, and I just knew the ending of my year was going to be great. I was finally able to rest and God was showing me all that he placed in my life to take the weight off of me so I can get back to my assignment. Oh but the enemy threw some curve balls and I felt every inch of the blow. The church I attended closed, there was turmoil within that situation. Have you ever fell and scraped your knee, you may cry but you dust yourself and continue what you were doing. It isn’t until you get in the house and you look at it and the adrenaline is gone that you feel just how deep and how much it really hurts. Well, that’s exactly how I felt. I felt like I had been rocked to my core by the most powerful punch I had ever been hit by. The combination of all that transpired in the failed relationship, my grandmother, everything surrounding the closure of the church among other things, I for once felt like I had nothing left in me.
I found myself in this space where I couldn’t really talk to God. I felt like even though somethings I should have done differently, Yah had let me down at least that is the lie I told myself. It reminded me of my relationship with my natural father. We were so close at one point but when I needed him, I felt that he turned his back on me. I felt like my hearts cry fell upon death ears. I was asking for answers and what I was seeing scared me. I took a chance on opening up and letting people in, I was speaking out more on what I saw and speaking when Yah told me to release it, I was following for the most part what he wanted. I didn’t do anything purposefully to hurt anyone, yet here I am getting cut left and right. Who was really for me? People I trusted showed how they really felt about me. How could this be? Why do this to me? All that I went through when I was younger and now I’m still fighting it feels like the same “issues” yet on a different scale. This isn’t fair. So I did what I know how to do, swallow my tears and protect myself at all cost. Or what I thought was protecting myself rather.
Slowly I started drinking again (not much a drink or two on the weekend). No more tears for me, just sleep and a touch of anger. I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone except for a couple people. You know the funny thing I learned about all of this is if you protect anything in this life it should be your spirit, relationship with Yah, and yourself. Sounds selfish but if you learn to keep those relationships in tact your relationship with others will be one in the same because we protect what we love. You see I saw the storm brewing before it slammed onto my front door step. Had I continued to eat the word daily and protect my mind, heart, eyes, ears, and soul this next storm wouldn’t have almost took me out. I could hear Yah beckoning me to lean on him and trust that he never left me. I heard the alarms but they sounded so faint in comparison to my pain. All the warning signs of the next trick to take me out Yah revealed but I couldn’t see through my pain. His voice started to slowly be drowned out and all I heard was the words of a pseudo – but familiar comforter. Love never dies but love with even the slightest impurities has the power to slowly poison you. I was dying slowly by the day but I couldn’t stop myself because after all this pseudo love felt oh so good when I felt like I was all alone. I didn’t even realize that I was in a web and completely entangled until I realized that the truth was really just a lie.
To Be continued