What do you do when your heart and mind are waging war against one another. Your spirit exhausted and filled with sorrow. Who do you reach out to when you are barely hanging on by a thread. No music can convey nor speak to what is going on in the inside. Floor soaked in your tears and snot because you can barely say anything audible. What do you do when there is not a soul who can comfort you and the one you long for in the natural is incapable and they are part of the source of your pain? Waves of frustration, confusion, desperation, defeat crashing against your heart making you unable to stand. WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!
I sat on my bed head hanging low last night. I prayed and prayed but there was such a burden and various emotions causing insomnia. I glanced at the clock 1 am was the reflection staring back at me. My mind running with current events from the city I reside in. Murder on my mind, 2 lives lost but really 2 families and kids robbed by senseless violence. The next thought came speeding in at 120 mph and news of further disappointment surrounding a relative. Followed up by examining all that is on my plate and doubt seeping in that I am incapable of doing what needs to be done. I look back at the clock wipe my tears away and it was only 1:02 am. Reminder I need to be up and pour encouragement into my son in a couple hours because how is day starts is crucial to his entire day. I sigh and feel the scream threatening to escape. A simple whisper bursts through… Daddy I hurt, what must I do?
In our darkest and most painful hour the biggest challenge is to not lay down. There is a fire though that burns within me and I can’t stay down. By nature I am a fighter. No matter how tired, pressed, wounded, and pained I feel that fire on the inside of me drives me to fight until the finish even as tears fall. I may tap but know I am coming back to fight until the death. It’s all I know and it’s apart of who I am. So I wrestled and toiled until….
The Bible is living and very much all that one needs. Many would argue it’s not active and I say to that then you don’t believe. I opened it up to 1 Kings 17 and began to read. You see Elijah shared his testimony with me through the black ink on the pages before me. He reminded me I was not alone and I was not the first to fight and give it all I got. In fact he showed me that though despair, frustration, promises of death, defeat, tiredness threaten me and pursue me that Yah still has me in mind. My life is for his glory and attests to who he is and my job and purpose of being here is to point towards the Kingdom for those who are ensnared and blinded by the enemy. I am called to face the enemy and it’s camp and allow Yah through me to bring life and victory to his children. I am strong and resilient because I’m not afraid to face a demon and slay them because I know his oil and hand will deliver and empower me. It is in my strength I feel weak and powerless. Basically there is no need for me to run. I don’t have to figure out how to do what he needs me to do to win, I just need to execute what he commands me to do.
Today, in spite of what I am up against internally and externally one thing I know for sure. There is provision and victory as long as I stand and keep doing what I am called to do. There is more work to be done and no matter the battles I win or even lose , the fact remains the winning of the war is what is imperative. The war for souls to return to the creator, our Father who desires us and loves us immensely. We are soldiers placed to go in and rescue the captives and in war it is bloody, there are casualties, and it is nothing pretty. Regardless we must fight under the unction of our commander and chief Yah. Be encouraged soldier for we shall be delivered! Don’t quit because I won’t quit and we are in this thing together. We have to keep moving for this too shall be a memory and will pass. This I know to be true.