You can never prepare for the loss of someone no matter the time that you are allowed to “prepare” . Whether they are older or have been sick for a while the fact remains when the moment is approaching and it happens you are never ready. The pain that pierces your heart and soul is a reality regardless. The crazy part is this is not always a physical death that can cause this type of pain either.
Today I wept for the first time in a while. I have held so much in this heart of mine. I thought I would be ready but as I am watching it happen, my heart and soul just seemingly can’t hold anymore. I feel like my heart is in vice grips and just when I think the grip is loosening it gets tighter. Pain and sorrow of the inevitable of a situation can bring even a giant down to its knees.
As far back as I can remember I have had a huge heart. I would do whatever for whoever without a second thought. Self inflicted hurt and hurt from this life taught me to protect myself. I will help but you won’t have the pleasure of being next to me. Every rule has an exception and my granny is definitely that. She is my shoulders to cry on, cut up partner, or even when I just felt so broken I knew her lap was available ALWAYS. Even in our misunderstandings and disagreements that was my baby. I didn’t and still don’t take her for granted. That woman has wiped many of my tears and held my hand when dang near everyone counted me out. My granny has always been such a strong solid woman who’s faith moved mountains. So it was only right I be there for her until I simply couldn’t.
Today I saw my baby and I wept. I couldn’t stop my tears they came faster than a bullet. I felt my heart break into little fragments and I seen my world fading away bit by bit. She said she was was glad to see my son before she left. She spoke what I knew in my heart. She’s ready although my heart is not. I heard the lord a couple weeks ago and I knew this time approaching. I was driving and I had to fight to keep my composure. As I am typing this and my eyes full of tears one thing I will hide in my heart for later when I can see through the pain, is that every moment with her was to prepare me for what’s ahead. You see in the time we spent I learned so much about life and my lineage. I took away so much that when something should arise her wisdom and jewels I have to fall back on. Cherish the people God places in your life. No matter how short or long they are apart of your journey the point is there are things you are supposed to pick up along the way. Because of my granny I know that God are the shoulders I can lean on even the more now as hers I can no longer borrow. He’s been preparing me and I’m blessed and grateful. Yes I’m hurt, sad, happy, and so much more. As my granny says in all of this God is still there and therefore I’m going to be all right ❤️