I Can Breathe so I Can Speak

When I was a little girl I saw the movie Malcom X. I use to walk around saying my name is Shannon X. That movie of his life at a young age sparked somethings on the inside of me. I was notorious for sticking up for people when I saw them being mistreated. I especially had a heart for people who were left out, mishandled and sad. Martin Luther King Jr was cool but I discovered I was very radical and vocal. I bit my tongue for nothing and no one. I guess this is why it’s important to never try and forget because your past points to who your supposed to be in the future.

Growing up life was hard. Not in the sense my mother was bad off because she wasn’t. My mother, although a single mother, was beyond blessed. I had nice clothes, a roof over my head, and etc. It was the secrets that I couldn’t tell that made it hard. It was the rejection that made it hard. Being misunderstood and not understanding why you and the little you have wasn’t enough that made it hard. The one person I thought I could count on even started to fade away out of my life and that took my entire breath away. I went from soft and a lover to the executioner and I was in no way silent about it.

Isn’t it funny that the thing that God wants to use in you is the very thing that almost cost you in every area of your life? It’s like your gift or talent is on steroids and injected with all types of poison to make it deadly and not such a nice thing to possess. Well my mouth and hands were just that, and being all the way a buck (100) about it, every now and again it still is. My mouth can be something vicious if you cross me and I had so much anger so my hands became my weapons against injustice I felt towards myself. The loving heart, words of encouragement, hands to hold and bring people in for an embrace to know that they weren’t alone , and tender touches turned to rock solid weapons and my heart became cold as ice. I had enough of being hurt with words that tore me down but touched by hands that conflicted with what was spoke . People will twist your intentions, words, and actions to fit their narrative that suits them and I was tired of it!! I was enraged and I purposed in my heart that I would never let another person do that to me. So I did what most do, I played the game the way I felt kept me safe. In order to catch a wolf you have to be a wolf and I was a savage one. What I didn’t know was that if you don’t fix what’s broken it will forever hurt and at some point all that you suppress will eventually bubble up in opposition to it because who you really are is dying to be free.

Freedom, being free, no chains and all that sounds good. How do you get there when all you know is remaining behind the bars of your mind and feelings kept under guarded gates and heavy artillery ready to fire at any and everything because you can’t trust a soul? I went to church as a kid and let me be honest I didn’t respect a soul I saw for real. They gossiped, I knew about the church drama, and I could “feel” somethings that scared me and didn’t sit well with me. I would show up high as a kite sometimes. I heard what they sang about, I heard the sermon but I didn’t see it being enacted in my dealings after everyone said amen and church was over. Besides they couldn’t see me and if they did, it was gossiped about I’m sure. I can say my aunt made sure if I couldn’t go anywhere her door was open. I needed more and I was searching for something deeper you know? I became silent and mute. My love disappeared and I learned to survive through the day, that is until I met my first born father.

Hindsight is truly 20/20. I look back and if I’m honest there are somethings I could share (and I will in another blog one day) that now I know what it means that God Never leaves us and that what he said, he shall complete. Don’t get me wrong I’m still outspoken to a point. In this season I’m learning my voice and how to properly use it without suffocating who I am and what I feel. I really never stopped loving justice or wanting to look after the wounded I just became guarded. I have found that the very thing that the enemy will encourage us to do is focus on the trauma, the pain, what they did or didn’t do because if you rehearse it long enough then everyone is suspect and you will eventually find yourself cutting people who didn’t even deserve to be cut. If we never heal from what hurt us then the enemy wins. I always say similar cadences doesn’t give the same exact sound. It is similar but not exact. All my trauma and drama happened when I was young and it’s not a shocker.Satan wanted Christ killed when he was an infant and tried through King Herod because he knew who Christ was and what he was to become. We are no different. So at 32 I have decided that I will speak up and never allow losing people, not fitting in, be misunderstood, my words being misconstrued to stop me from speaking up and out. I choose to love and hard. I am free to embrace the untouchable without fear and spread hope and share my journey. The truth is I need them as much as they need me. United we stand divided we fall. ❤️

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