Never Will I Ever

“Never will I ever again allow for THIS to happen to me again!!” To know me is to know that this is one of my many convictions I stand on whenever something comes to shake my world up, and the funny thing is I don’t go back on that. If I say it please believe I mean it with my entire being. Whew chile… but there’s always that thing that changes its scent , it’s face, even some mannerisms but the essence of it is the very thing that caused you to purpose in Your heart and mind never to go back. When this occurs , which is not often, I have to retreat and regroup.

I thought that if I did everything the right way surely I wouldn’t end up here again. One of the many thoughts circulating through my mind and then the subtle reminder that I slipped up again stabbed me in my chest. How did I end up here? Feelings of conviction , disappointment, disgust , shame, and fear set in. Now I’ve never been afraid of people but God is another story. A heaviness that I can’t bear to carry and that brings me to my knees sets in when I realize I have done something displeasing to God and it is especially bad when I went against a promise I made, and this time was no different.

I FAILED!!! Am I really who God said that I was or maybe I heard wrong. Thoughts of condemnation swimming about in my entire being, this time is different. There’s no one to blame but me because I knew what I heard, I knew what I saw , and yet I still continued on because I knew what I felt and didn’t want that to be true. I gave in when I should have walked out. But when your face to face with the “thing your enjoying” and it feels right but your spirit disagrees the tendency to mute what you feel in your spirit tends to be muzzled by what your flesh feels. A moment of weakness can cost you your peace. So here I am finding myself say once again…. Never Again!!!

After the agonizing, the confessing, the tears, and the realization that that experience was truly a waste and not worth the fight and the struggle is a good place to be in. You see the enemy had me on my knees because I gave him legal access to me. He may have won that but what he won’t get is my defeat. I am still a winner and still his beloved. I am still the apple of his eye because he will willingly leave the 99 just for me. Never will I ever be the strange aroma that displeases him because I am committed to being who he has called me to be. Even if others are okay with it I won’t ever go back there. I will continue to rise and you will to and the journey will be well worth it. Something else may come up but I promise it will never ever be that again ❤️

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