Ride or Die

“All I need in this life of sin is me and my boyfriend.” That use to be a line in one of my jams by Beyoncé and Jay Z. Every time I sang this song it took me back to a love I thought would never end. People wanted that Bonnie and Clyde love and to think I had it. That was a perfect love… or so I thought.

I remember our first time talking on the phone. I knew him without knowing him. We talked for hours on the phone. My home girl would laugh because I was always pressed about my phone dying because I just wanted to chop it up with him without interruptions (aka talk). He was an enemy though and I knew this, but it was something about him. If my big homie found out I knew that was a violation and I was going to have to fight. Oh well, a dude of his caliber and with his swag only comes once in a lifetime. Plus we vibed well, he low key had me open. Now don’t get me wrong I knew if I had to choose I was choosing my hood and the red flag over him. Joke was on me because that state of mind didn’t even last long.

When he and I got together we were friends. You see he was around when I was dating this idiot that took me through hell. He instantly came to my rescue. I mean who wouldn’t fall for a man who has street cred but soft when it comes to you, and ready to literally kill or pistol whip the dude who did you beyond dirty? He was my knight in shining armor. From a ton of conversation he knew about me being molested, what hood I was from, childhood woes, and some of my deepest darkest secrets. With all that and all that I knew about him and nothing being off limits or hidden when it came to things in regards to him of course I was rocking with him. Wouldn’t you?

Keep the “squares” ( good boys lol street slang what can I say), I’ll take my chocolate hood ninja any day. He was my best friend. He stuck with me through the bad. When we first started getting together and trying out the whole relationship thing I would make him give me his id. I checked him and would confiscate his gun. Apart of me knew I was safe but the other part of me knew how the laws of the streets go. Plus I didn’t trust no man especially after all the madness I put up with prior to him. Nah he was getting pat down every time. Yes I met his mom and hung out over there with him and his sisters. I know what your thinking, if you had to do all that why be with him? I knew his reputation and he’s known in the streets as one who is not to be played with, but this is the very thing that made me love him. He allowed me into his heart and life in a way he never let anyone, let alone a female in. He was patient with me and whatever I desired or needed he made it happen. On the real he was my Clyde and he knew in his heart I was going to ride with him against whoever and whatever. I was completely locked in.

With time I was able to sleep around him and wouldn’t take his id or gun lol. In fact we spent so much time together and was so close people couldn’t tell if we were friends or together. If he fought I’m jumping in, if he pull his gun I’m pulling too or I’m the getaway driver. You could see us talking but if the cops come neither of us know anything. He’s down for me and I’m down for him. We smoked and got high together and got drunk together. We were every hood boy and girls dream couple. We had what most wanted and would never get. Our loyalty to one another was unmatched. Disrespect who? We were known for going upside someone’s head for saying simply shut up to one of us. We got money together. At that time yes I would even help him strategize how to rob females or other dudes in the hood. War was my specialty. That was my partner, and I knew we would be together forever, but as you know life don’t always happen the way you want it to.

Have you ever craved someone so much that you can still feel their touch and smell them even when they are away from you? I have and it was hard to leave and move to a whole other state. I wasn’t supposed to be gone long. He and I talked about it and he knew I was pregnant. I on the other hand didn’t believe I was. Hearing him beg me to stay for that reason and disregard what was coming our way broke me in so many ways. The last night we spent together went by too fast! I hated leaving him and I know he felt the same. We held each other for a long time but I just knew I was coming back home to him. He was the ONE for me. There would never be another him….

We never anticipate that what we consider perfect being the opposite of that. I mean we are talking about a man I knew like the back of my hand and better than anyone. We were in sync and moved fluidly with each other. We communicated without words majority of the time. BUT God has a way of showing you that what he has is better. I often reminisce on that former love. We were willing to kill for one another without hesitation and lay down and do time for one another. God spoke to me and said if you thought that was love wait until I send the man that can love you properly and wash you with the word. A man that can see you and you guys are one but his love is not from a tainted and broken place. A healthy, pure, and sacred love that not only protects you but is the link to your success in every facet of your life. He will love you enough to protect you without compromising anything concerning you. If you thought that was love wait until the man I have for you is able to really see you. How much greater is that? I don’t regret my Clyde and from time to time I think about what could have been, but then again it wouldn’t be a life of peace. So I leave him where he is and continue to raise the beautiful creation made by our former love. Life goes on and there is more for me to live. Patiently waiting ❤️