A Piece of Me

Pain can become so familiar, that in its absence you feel afraid because disappointment, abandonment, betrayal, being misunderstood have been a constant friend. Tear stained pillows from thinking that the one person you thought loved you would never leave, nor would you have to walk away. You accept the hurt they cause from their accusations, misinformation formulated in their minds, wicked perceptions that really speak to who they are yet you are the target of regret so it is the label in their mind they have slapped on your forehead. All you want is to be embraced but as long as you march to the beat of their drum and never misstep you can live to fight to show you love them another day. All the while suffocating from their opinions, insecurities, and self righteousness. Am I really guilty ALL the time or is it that your intolerable and hard to deal with? Love is not supposed to hurt or so I thought. I wrestle with the indifference I see behind the words I love you. I allow the pain from your criticism to rock my entire core, and just when I am about to fall I rise. I am determined not desperate, not for you but for me. I force myself to swallow my tears and violently wipe away the ones threatening to stream down my face. My pain you could never understand so I bury it because out of the two I have to be the one that stands. I carry you in my spirit and my heart and mind. This is not eloquent because “us” is not eloquent. It’s a beautiful perverted travesty. Stop rushing my process because you can’t understand, this is a whole lot of walls to tear down, apathy to be displaced. Yes, I am solid as a rock because I refuse to allow what I feel to emerge. But then I feel the anguish rising and as I fight to hold onto you and love you my anguish turns to rage. T.O.X.I.C this love, this relationship is toxic. How are you okay with staying afloat at the expense of me drowning? Then I realize you can’t give what you don’t have nor know how to receive. I will not bow except to that of Yahweh. I can no longer conform , this fight won’t let me quit. My dreams and hopes may have been shattered at your hands, but my spirit is resilient. So as I gain control over my breathing, stand up straight , fix my hair after falling apart I realize it’s not you. It’s always been me. I just couldn’t see the enemy trying to kill me, through you. Baby I feel sorry for you and there are parts of me that longs for you. I see the good in you still but I can’t allow the devil in you to kill me. Bleeding out and wounds still fresh I limp away from this with a different type of pain. The pain that comes from a love you have no choice but to walk away from. I love you still but I choose life. God will heal me with time because if I’ve learned nothing else throughout our time is that he was, is, and will always be by my side. Because of him my sanity is intact and Ive accomplished things through his strength and grace. I can hear your broken pieces crying for me but I have to force myself to turn a deaf ear to the cries. I am not your savior nor do I have the power or strength to continue trying to mend what’s broken and impossible to fix. This is the end , no goodbyes, no see you later’s. It’s time for me to be free and find me. It is finished.